Paula's House of Toast

I think anyone who heard or read our Dear Leader's Rose Garden comments yesterday defending his flight-suit carrier deck stunt were struck by the searing irony of his boast that, because of the invasion,

"...there are no longer torture chambers or rape rooms or mass graves in Iraq. "

After all, the awful photographs of American soldiers torturing Iraqi detainees been broadcast just 24 hours prior and were making their way into the world's horrified collective consciousness. One would think the president would want to avoid the phrase "torture chambers" at all cost.

Globe columnist Wayne Washington apparantly agreed, and decided to spare Mr Bush further embarrassment in his column today. He quotes the Dubya:

''A year ago, I did give the speech from the carrier, saying that we had achieved an important objective, that we had accomplished a mission, which was the removal of Saddam Hussein," Bush said in the Rose Garden after meeting with Canada's prime minister, Paul Martin. ''And as a result, there are no longer chambers or rape rooms or mass graves in Iraq. As a result, a friend of terror has been removed and now sits in jail." (Italics mine.)

Now where is that word, that little word I thought I heard issuing from W's lips on the radio yesterday, I think it began with "T" ...

So what kind of "chambers" are no longer in Iraq ? Bubble chambers ?

One does grow weary of the press cleaning up our Dear Leader's garbled nonsense and otherwise shielding him from his many self-induced embarrassments.

(I wrote the ombudsman. I'll post follow-up as any materializes.)

Are we surprised that our fair Governor Willard "the Mitthead" Romney has vowed to aggressively enforce one of Massachusetts' ugly little antediluvian laws, the one prohibiting Massachsetts marriages to certain out of state couples whose marriages would be illegal in their home states ? A law whose intent was to prevent interracial marriages in Massachusetts of couples from states with anti-miscegenation laws ?

No we are not. The Governor has no compunction in enlisting an ugly bigoted holdover of a law to advance his own personal bigoted agenda. Bigoted legislation, turns out be, to use a word recently brought out of Websterian depths by Donald Rumsfeld, merrily fungible.

Eric Fehrnstrom, the Mitthead's "loathsome 150,000 a year spokesperson" (excellent phrase courtesy of Ben at Romney is a Fraud) was quoted in the Globe this morning : "The governor does not have the luxury of choosing which laws to enforce and which ones to ignore. He took an oath to enforce all the laws of the Commonwealth."

So I checked out the Laws of the General Court of Massachusetts to see what other laws the Governor "does not have the luxury" of ignoring.

I had no idea I was such a miscreant. We're talking three strikes you're out territory here. I, by all accounts, am a habitual criminal. I'm planning to turn myself in later today, to throw myself upon the mercy of the Great And General Court of Massachusetts, oyez oyez, God Save the Governor, God Save the Commonwealth from the Governor, but first I will make a public confession.

Open your lawbooks, gentlemen, to

CHAPTER 272. CRIMES AGAINST CHASTITY, MORALITY, DECENCY AND GOOD ORDER

Chapter 272: Section 34 Crime against nature

Section 34. Whoever commits the abominable and detestable crime against nature, either with mankind or with a beast, shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison for not more than twenty years.

"The abominable and detestable crime against nature" is for legal purposes, of course, our old friend "sodomy." As in Bill and Monica. And most other affectionate couples. In my case, this would involve "mankind," not "a beast." Will that afford me some leniency ? Twenty years is a long time.

Chapter 272: Section 16 Open and gross lewdness and lascivious behavior

  Section 16. A man or woman, married or unmarried, who is guilty of open and gross lewdness and lascivious behavior, shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison for not more than three years or in jail for not more than two years or by a fine of not more than three hundred dollars.

(Lewd and lascivious cohabitation. (Under Chap. 272, Sec. 16.)--That A.B. and C.D., not being married to each other, did during one month next before the finding of this indictment...

Yes, I admit it: I lewdly and lasciviously cohabited with BOTH my husbands before we wed. And lest you find yourself flipping ahead to the section of Chapter 272 that prohibits polygamy, let me assure you that my husbands have been consecutive, not concurrant.

Chapter 272: Section 35 fornication

Section 18. Whoever commits fornication shall be punished by imprisonment for not more than three months or by a fine of not more than thirty dollars.

 Fornication.--Sexual intercourse between an unmarried male and an unmarried female.

Yes, it's true, I fornicated and committed the abominable and detestable crime against nature during my two openly and grossly lewd and lacivious cohabitations.

And there's more.

Chapter 272: Section 36 Blasphemy

  Section 36. Whoever wilfully blasphemes the holy name of God by denying, cursing or contumeliously reproaching God, his creation, government or final judging of the world, or by cursing or contumeliously reproaching Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, or by cursing or contumeliously reproaching or exposing to contempt and ridicule, the holy word of God contained in the holy scriptures shall be punished by imprisonment in jail for not more than one year or by a fine of not more than three hundred dollars, and may also be bound to good behavior.

Can I plead ignorance of the law ? How was I to know it's illegal to contumeliously reproach all three members of the Trinity, or deny the final judging of the world ?

And then there was that time I said "fuck" on a steamboat:

CHAPTER 272. CRIMES AGAINST CHASTITY, MORALITY, DECENCY AND GOOD ORDER

Chapter 272: Section 43 Disorderliness in public conveyances; disturbance of travelers

  Section 43. Whoever, in or upon a railroad carriage, steamboat or other public conveyance, is disorderly, or disturbs or annoys travelers in or upon the same by profane, obscene or indecent language, or by indecent behavior, shall be punished as provided in section forty.

Now here are some laws I have not, by the grace of our contumeliously unreproachable God (see -- I'm rehabilitating even as we speak), yet violated, that I offer up to my Massachusetts readers so that you may avoid such a life of crime as I have found my self to be leading.

Sports fans, beware ! (Is "sucks" profane ? If so, the Mitthead "no-new-taxes" Romney will immediately see the revenue-rich potential in this law.)

Chapter 272: Section 36A Sporting events; penalty for abuse of participants and officials

  Section 36A. Whoever, having arrived at the age of sixteen years, directs any profane, obscene or impure language or slanderous statement at a participant or an official in a sporting event, shall be punished by a fine of not more than fifty dollars.

And, yes, adultry is illegal. And punishable by three years in state prison. We're talking Cedar Junction here. Is there a department of the vice squad assigned to root out and prosecute these domestic offenses ? And if not, why not, GOVERNOR Mitthead "I took an oathto enforce all the laws of the Commonwealth" Romney ???

Chapter 272: Section 14 Adultery

  Section 14. A married person who has sexual intercourse with a person not his spouse or an unmarried person who has sexual intercourse with a married person shall be guilty of adultery and shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison for not more than three years or in jail for not more than two years or by a fine of not more than five hundred dollars.

And here's the kicker. After it is legal for gays and lesbians to wed, it will remain illegal for them to consummate their vows. ("Unnatural and lascivious acts" is legalese for same sex sex.)

Chapter 272: Section 35 Unnatural and lascivious acts

Section 35. Whoever commits any unnatural and lascivious act with another person shall be punished by a fine of not less than one hundred nor more than one thousand dollars or by imprisonment in the state prison for not more than five years or in jail or the house of correction for not more than two and one half years.

I suspect this is one of the sections of Chapter 272 which the Gov. has read with deep interest and affection. And may even be envisioning a task force to oversee its new and aggressive impementation.