Monday, April 13, 2015

By Way Of Explanation



There is a reason for my recent radio silence that's known to only a few of my internet friends. On 2/14 I had a sudden cerebellar bleed: the AVM discovered at the time of my chronic subdurals last summer (and irradiated 12/2015 for 3-4 year cure} burst and  I had a subarachnoid and intracerebellar bleed.

I don''t  remember the next 2 weeks of Mass General neuro ICU and step down. I begin to remember my subsequent course at rehab -- Spaulding for 1 month amd Hebrew Rehab for 2 weeks. I scared the shit out of my dear loyal husband and everyone else, including me, but am home now for 3 days facing unknown prognosis -- at best prolonged recovery of some  degree of function.  But for now its dizziness, imbalance, a mild right intention tremor of  arm and leg, double vision: can't write, hard to read, using an eyepatch, must use a walker to get around and be chaperoned on stairs -- all galling to this independent woman. No work for now (or ever ?) and another angiogram next Monday to embolize the remaining AVM.  Ugh.

I am grateful for my supportive friends and family, especially my infinitely capable and patient husband and my doting son; I am grateful for my skilled providers and my health insurance; I'm. (as attenuated as I am at this point ) glad to be  alive. 

There's nothing like a sudden calamity to bring things into perspective.

More, later, I suspect.

19 comments:

Beth said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, Paula. My very best wishes for your recovery; you'll be in my thoughts and (yes) my prayers. You are made of fine tough stuff, like your friends in the fields, and I have no doubt you'll come through this.

Ken Johnson said...

Hi Paula,
Great to hear you're home again.
Look forward to the reunion with things anew again.
The Zen Monk Thich Nhat Thanh also has had a similar experience. Despite the setback, feel assured that you walk in good company.
Heal woman, heal~!
Let me know if you miss real food, and I'll bring you a Kafir, some kale or a pint of healthy blended vegan grass juice with a straw.

PS: as I said you walk in good company.
http://plumvillage.org/news/an-update-on-thays-health-6th-april-2015/

Sabine said...

Such a blow is hard to take and I wish you patience, endurance and all the necessary coping skills. Life changes all the time but some changes are not what we expect or wish for. But remember, we are equipped to deal with it and recovery can be such an amazing road to travel on. Not always, but often.



Lucy said...

Oh my. Mend well, dear Paula.

forsythia said...

Dearest Paula, Your poetry and your visions and yes, the YOU who sees and writes all this wondrous stuff, are greatly missed. Take care and know that you are wrapped lovingly in the thoughts and prayers of many.

Ken Lovering said...

Forward, Cousin Paula. Always look forward. Always move forward. Best wishes to you. - Cousin Ken, Rich and Christine and our ever-forward Mom Ellen.

David Ashton said...

Much love and best wishes.

David Ashton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Libby Ingram said...

I've enjoyed your writing and photography for a long time and had wondered at your absence. I wish you the very best in your recovery.

Shokai said...

Paula -

You're in our thoughts, our hearts, and our minds. Be strong, and recover soon.

Clawson said...

"Galling"

You're still my language hero, Paula.

Love,

Bob

Roy Goodwin said...

Thinking of you today.

- roy

Sir Timothy said...

I am in recovery, newness, after a TBI last October 2014 Daily improvement but a dizzying (literally) move forward (?) - I think thoughts of wellness for you.

PipeTobacco said...

Paula:

Here is my wish for your recovery as well. I hope that you have been steadily improving since you wrote in April.

PipeTobacco

Darrell Katz said...

I'm Paula's husband, Darrell Katz...and I have to tell you that since April 20th, Paula has either been at Mass General Hospital or Spaulding rehab in Cambridge...on April 20th, as she says in her last post, she went to MGH for what was supposed to be a relatively minor procedure. But everything went wrong. New bleeding started. In attempts to deal with the problems caused by that, MORE problems were caused.
Since April 20th, she's mostly been in a vegetative state....she started, at one point, to emerge from it...and for several weeks could communicate...then a minor infection led here back into the forest of the night that she's so often written about. In the last few days, she's barely started to emerge again. To further complicate things, we have run into incredible problems with our insurance. Tomorrow she will be leaving Spaulding, to where I don't yet know.
Paula is every bit the amazing and wonderful woman her blog makes her appear to be: everything she writes is from the heart, and is the truth.
And looking around this site,this masterpiece of a blog site, I've always seen how you people feel touched by her look at her inner and outer worlds, and her observations, and at the path she tries to follow. It's always meant a lot to her, and it means a lot to me.
I'm sorry that I didn't make this post sooner.....

Vincent said...

Thanks and best wishes to you both for this, Darrell. If anyone has prepared herself for this, I feel it is Paula. Her oftentimes Lenten & wintry moods have illumined the world and provided a feast. Her photographs have shown beauty in every season and every aspect of nature's lifecycle.

Paula, forgive me for writing of you in the third person, addressing your husband and friends as if you were not here. Whether directly through reading these words or as passed to you by Darrell, I want to say thanks for the years we've reached across with fingers on keyboards. May you be comfortable and well.

Chaize Parré-Barando said...

Rest in peace, dear Paula, and may this House of Toast — your House of Toast — remain a sanctuary for weary wanderers drawn by the strange and beautiful light. I'll continue to spend time with you here often, as I have for well over a decade.

Darrell, thank you for sharing with us via Facebook various aspects of this hideously difficult year, along with many touching reminiscences of your wonderful life with Paula. Your mutual love and respect shines through every word and image that you've posted.

Heartfelt condolences to you, your stepson, Paula's father and brother, and her friends and colleagues. I know you're all profoundly aware of how fortunate you were to have loved, lived with, and worked with Paula. <3

Darrell Katz said...

Chaize: I hope you don't mind, but I am going to put your first paragraph in her eulogy.

Chaize Parré-Barando said...

Of course, Darrell. Thank you.